So just like Helen Allen, don’t you dare argue with my record, ’cause I know a thing or two about the use of Society Garlic in median strips, the ten shades of mauve appropriate as contrast colors for window-casing treatments, and what questions to ask prospective Council applicants to see if, like me, they have what it takes to serve the people of Concord.

Now that Concord’s City Council is set to interview applicants for the vacant Council position, I offer my own Top Ten interview questions for the candidates:

10. Since you may be the only Councilmember to have any significant experience in the private sector, will you promise now to get out of the way of the lifers who know what they’re doing and not run for reelection in 2010?

9. Since you will not have been elected as you serve out the rest of the term, will you object if Council bypasses you when your turn comes up to be Mayor? This way Councilmember Allen can be Mayor for the 6th and final time and be the first two-year Mayor Concord has had for more than a decade.

8. If you were to serve as Mayor, what will be your pet project for the year? Mayor Bonilla touted Literacy; I’m not sure what happened to his “Green Initiative” but I just love tugging my leash to qualify for Mayor Peterson’s 100-Mile Club; and Lord knows what Vice-Mayor Shinn will cook up for 2008; so fess up now… what special axe will you grind as Mayor?

7. Do you solemnly swear that, without any sleepover shennanigans or defacing the address on your cable bill, you will actually reside in Concord? And if you do happen to relocate to say, Sacramento, will you promise to pay for a “Concord Voters Appreciation Night” at a Sacramento Kings game at Arco Arena?

6. Should Concord continue its strategy of ceding the Monument Corridor to the Monument Community Partnership in the hope that LAFCO will reincorporate the area as a sovereign third-world country?

5. Do you have a Community Cable-Car transit system proposal to help people who buy new housing downtown to shop in Concord without getting into their cars?

4. Would you agree to bring together all of the ownership interests at Park ‘n Shop to create a mixed-use, commercial-residential development on that property that isn’t an eyesore, without threatening eminent domain?

3. Speaking of eminent domain, will you fight to make the deliberations of City Council more transparent and free staff’s reliance upon the self-serving and idiotic political agendas, policy chimeras, and ludicrous talking points of regional planning and “professional” municipal organizations, and as your first act as Councilmember, move that the City of Concord withdraw its membership and ask for the City’s money back (retroactive) from ABAG and the California League of Cities?

2. And as your second act as Councilmember, would you agree to fight to the death to restore “non-City” social service funding to pre 2005-2006 FY budget levels when the City “liberated” $100,000 from the Community Services Commission that forced massive program cutbacks in the community?

1. Finally. When speaking of plans for the Concord Naval Weapons Station, will you please refrain from sounding like a dope by describing every single proposed project as “world-class!”